OVERLOAD

Of the emotional, mental, and physical kind...

There's a lot going on right now: classes are starting again; I'm teaching, meeting new people; moving to my new place; issues of the heart; issues with money; etc. I'm handling it, but I'm very close to going crazy.

Physically, I'm in pain. My back hasn't been feeling right, and I'm having a hard time being comfortable while I sleep. It doesn't seem to matter what position I'm in, they all hurt. I also have a tooth ache. Thankfully, I have insurance now, so that will take care of a lot of the issues there.

Mentally, I'm worrying a lot. I'm really nervous about teaching. I want to make sure I do everything right and that my students are good. Today was my first class, and let's just say it was rough. I didn't feel comfortable, and I know they could sense it. I said "um" A LOT. I think that if I have a more structured lesson plan, that might help solve it a little. We'll see how that works out tomorrow. I'm not too worried about the classes that I'm taking. School (especially when it's classes that I'm interested in) has never been a problem. I'm confident that I will do well there. I am worried about my time management though. Is it going to be hard dealing with teaching AND taking classes? I can already see myself slacking on one of the two. If I'm focused on class, I'm not thinking about teaching, and if I'm focused on teaching, then class doesn't seem that important. I need to remind myself that I have to be active and keep on top of things. NO PROCRASTINATION!

Emotionally, I'm a mess. It's like a rollercoaster. Everyday is different. I'll be extremely happy and over joyed and then the next day, I'm sad and depressed. Right now I'm depressed. I need some stability in my life. I need to know that at the end of the day, someone is going to be there for me, and right now I'm not sure of that. I feel alone right now (it doesn't help that I AM living alone). I ran into Becca during the graduate convocation on Friday. That brought up a lot of old feelings that I forgot about a long time ago. Seeing her reminded me how much I cared for her, how much I thought I loved her, and how I knew it was never meant to be. I'm sitting here now, and I much as I hate to say it, I see it happening again. The ups and downs, the good and the bad, the love and the torment, it's there again. As much as I want something, I feel I'm never going to have that. It's that one thing in life everyone looks for and can never find. Have I found it? I wish it were so, but that feeling of deja vu is growing stronger, and I can't help but feel like...

I don't know how I feel.