I'm looking for purpose in my life. I didn't want to work at Walgreens. I want to be a photographer, simple as that. I'm sitting here looking at my mess of a portfolio, and that's all I want to work on. I don't want to develop other people's pictures. I want to work on my own. I want to have this great and ORGANIZED portfolio. I know that I really need the money that I would get working at Walgreens, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I mean, I still am working at the library, and I'll be working a couple of weddings in the next couple of weeks, so I will have SOME money, just not enough. I really just want school to start so that I can get back to what I do best.
On top of all this, I really want to get a place of my own. I think it's just the right thing for me now. If I lived at home, I'd be saving all kinds of money, but it's just not what I want to do. Apparently, I just want to be poor. I think I would much rather live on my own, living on a tight budget, then living at home with plently of money (although, without a job, there's not really any money anyway). I'll have money once I start teaching, it's just the waiting is really getting to me. I mean, it's still two and a half months until school starts, and I'm broke. I really wanted to have a good amount of money saved up before school started, but at this rate, I'll basically have nothing saved, which makes getting an apartment pretty hard.
I feel lost. So many things have happened recently that, while I know what I want, I just don't know how to achieve my goals. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a photographer. I want to live on my own. But I don't know how to get these things right now. I think that I'm too focused on what I want, rather then thinking really hard about how to get them. Plus, I'm lonely as hell now, and there's definently nothing I can do about that. I don't think I've ever felt this alone. I don't know what to do...
Monday, May 30, 2005
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Hopeful... Not So Much
"We part, only to meet again."
There's a lot that could be said, but I think that it's better left unsaid. This last week has been an amazing, up and down experience. It's over now, I there is nothing left that I can do. I think that's the part I dislike the most. It's not that she's gone, but the fact that I couldn't make her stay. I know I had no right trying to make her stay... it's her life and her decision, it just sounded like she didn't want to leave. I know there are times in our lives where we have to make decisions like this. It's part of growing up. Whether is a mistake or not, these kind of experiences tell us what we are to do with out lives. My recent experiences had lead me back to Purdue and to Grad School. That's what I learned in Muncie. Maybe this experience for her is to help her understand why she should have stayed in Lafayette, or maybe she really was meant to leave. That's a question only time will tell.
Fate is a cruel bitch. Actually, that is an understatement. I don't know if the words exist to descibe what fate it. It can be great at times, and it can be horrible at times. This is one of those cases where it's both. While I found something I wasn't even looking for, within the time of only a week, it was taken away. I can't say that I'm necessarily sad, but confused. It's kind of shocking. It's like it was nothing more then a dream. I've had dreams before, but this one I truly wish would never have ended.
And while it is over for now, that doesn't mean fate won't bring us back together. It brought us together once, why can't it do it again? That is the only thing I can hold on to. It's the hope that we will be together again. As the quote says above, we only part to meet again.
ps... I realize that most of this probably doesn't make sense, but I'm not sure I really want to go into details now. I'm still letting it sink in. When the time is ready, I'll say something.
There's a lot that could be said, but I think that it's better left unsaid. This last week has been an amazing, up and down experience. It's over now, I there is nothing left that I can do. I think that's the part I dislike the most. It's not that she's gone, but the fact that I couldn't make her stay. I know I had no right trying to make her stay... it's her life and her decision, it just sounded like she didn't want to leave. I know there are times in our lives where we have to make decisions like this. It's part of growing up. Whether is a mistake or not, these kind of experiences tell us what we are to do with out lives. My recent experiences had lead me back to Purdue and to Grad School. That's what I learned in Muncie. Maybe this experience for her is to help her understand why she should have stayed in Lafayette, or maybe she really was meant to leave. That's a question only time will tell.
Fate is a cruel bitch. Actually, that is an understatement. I don't know if the words exist to descibe what fate it. It can be great at times, and it can be horrible at times. This is one of those cases where it's both. While I found something I wasn't even looking for, within the time of only a week, it was taken away. I can't say that I'm necessarily sad, but confused. It's kind of shocking. It's like it was nothing more then a dream. I've had dreams before, but this one I truly wish would never have ended.
And while it is over for now, that doesn't mean fate won't bring us back together. It brought us together once, why can't it do it again? That is the only thing I can hold on to. It's the hope that we will be together again. As the quote says above, we only part to meet again.
ps... I realize that most of this probably doesn't make sense, but I'm not sure I really want to go into details now. I'm still letting it sink in. When the time is ready, I'll say something.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Fate, Destiny, Or Whatever You Want To Call It
I don't generally consider myself someone to believe in something such as fate, but recent events have started to change my views of said topic. I think it's hard for me, being agnostic, to believe in such a concept. Fate is sort of a religious concept, and since I don't really follow anykind of religion, it's hard to justify such a thing. I don't really want to go into the "why" I am starting to think fate may exist, but at the same time, I'm trying to put what has happened into perspective.
How can trivial events turn out to be something you never would have guessed? I like looking at the movie Serendipity as an example. Two people, trying to buy that same pair of gloves, onyl to eventually end up together. It's the small, insigificant things that turn out to make life what it is. Half of the time, we are blind to what is happening around us. Have you ever looked into the events leading up to something important happening in your life? I recently did, and I'm amazied to find how someting so stupid as cat snot has led to something so important. Life is crazy!
It's kind of like Chaos Theory. A butterfly flaps it's wings in Central Park which in turn causes a massive tsunami to hit China. That's kind of what fate is like. It sets things in motion, whether to your benefit or not. And it's just not one event to leads to these things, but a long, unknowing series of events. It's kind of interesting to think about what the future holds for everyone. Say, for example, tomorrow I go out the front door instead of the back door. What will change in my life just because of something as simple as that? Or maybe instead of going home after work, I go to visit my mother. It's really strange to think that small events like this lead our course in life. That is, of course, if there really is something such as fate...
How can trivial events turn out to be something you never would have guessed? I like looking at the movie Serendipity as an example. Two people, trying to buy that same pair of gloves, onyl to eventually end up together. It's the small, insigificant things that turn out to make life what it is. Half of the time, we are blind to what is happening around us. Have you ever looked into the events leading up to something important happening in your life? I recently did, and I'm amazied to find how someting so stupid as cat snot has led to something so important. Life is crazy!
It's kind of like Chaos Theory. A butterfly flaps it's wings in Central Park which in turn causes a massive tsunami to hit China. That's kind of what fate is like. It sets things in motion, whether to your benefit or not. And it's just not one event to leads to these things, but a long, unknowing series of events. It's kind of interesting to think about what the future holds for everyone. Say, for example, tomorrow I go out the front door instead of the back door. What will change in my life just because of something as simple as that? Or maybe instead of going home after work, I go to visit my mother. It's really strange to think that small events like this lead our course in life. That is, of course, if there really is something such as fate...
Sunday, May 22, 2005
I Guess I'm Suppose To Do This
Total Size of Music Files On My Computer: Around 30 Gigs (or 6,000 songs)
The Last CD I Bought Was: Star Wars - Episode III - Revenge of the Sith - OST
Song Playing Right Now In iTunes: No iTunes here, only Winamp... and I'm listening to John Williams - The Immolation Scene
Five Songs I Listen To A Lot, or Mean A Lot To Me:
I would pass the "baton" on, but I don't have any friends...
The Last CD I Bought Was: Star Wars - Episode III - Revenge of the Sith - OST
Song Playing Right Now In iTunes: No iTunes here, only Winamp... and I'm listening to John Williams - The Immolation Scene
Five Songs I Listen To A Lot, or Mean A Lot To Me:
- Josh Joplin - Camera One
- Tony Bennentt - The Way You Look Tonight
- A Perfect Circle - The Hollow
- Nancy Wilson - Elevator Beat
- Our Lady Peace - 4 am
I would pass the "baton" on, but I don't have any friends...
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Mega Update
Alright, so everyone wants an update, well get ready, cause this is a long one...
That is all for this edition of Mega Update. Stay tuned though, because I have an update coming up involving my new pets. Yes, you heard that right, PETS, two of them. It's a great day to be alive.
- Work - I'm still working at the library. The job is pretty boring, but it's money and it's a reason to get up in the morning. It's only a summer job, so it end at the end of June. I'm still working at Image Source. We coverd a golf tournament last Thursday. Pretty boring as well. We only took like, one picture every 15 minutes. It lasted for about 7 hours, so I got some good money for doing little to no work. And finally, I got a job today with Walgreens. I'm going to be working there full-time. It pays pretty well, so I'll finally be making some money so I can pay my bills. I have to go in tomorrow and fill out some paperwork and then I have to have a drug test as well. I'm going to Muncie this weekend too to help Chris shoot some baseball teams. He said he'll pay for my gas and everything, so I should be coming home with a pocket full of money on Saturday. w00t!
- School - One of the classes I was going to be teaching in the fall was canceled, so my schedule doesn't look as good as it did before. Before, I only had class on Tues/Thurs, now I have class Mon/Tues/Wed/Thur, plus office hours, so my semester just got a little harder. On top of that, I can't get a parking permit, so I'm going to have to carry my student's projects home on the bus. Doesn't that sound like fun?
- E3 - The Electronic Entertainment Expo started today. It's basically a big videogame conference where developers show off all their new products and such. Well, the big three (Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft) all showed off their new consoles. Microsoft will be the first out of the gate with the Xbox 360. It's scheduled to come out this fall. From what I've seen so far, I'm not impressed. The graphics don't look that much better then what's already currently available on high end PCs. Along with that, they haven't really shown any games that interest me. The only reason I'm a Xbox fan now is because of Halo. When Halo 3 comes out, then I might be interested in the Xbox 360. The one thing that I do like about the system are it's functions. There is A LOT of online support for the system, which is nice. They have a lot of really cool concepts, I just hope they can pan out the way Microsoft intends. Next comes Sony's Playstation 3. This system is a beast! The real-time graphics of the system are comparable to those of special effects in current Hollywood blockbusters. You have to see it to believe it. At it's core, the PS3 is still just a more powerful PS2. CDs, DVDs, online, all standard. The one thing Sony hopes will attract people to the system is it's use of Blue-Ray discs. Blue-Ray technology is the next step in digital media. Think of it as really large format DVDs. These discs can hold about 7 times the information of current DVDs, which means higher quality sound and picture, and big step in the future of games, music, and film. Finally, there is Nintendo. I have always been a huge Nintendo fan. I've stuck with them for years. I still believe to this day that Nintendo makes the best games. Their new system is called "Revolution". While the system was on display at E3, that was about it. They didn't show the controller, they didn't show any games, and they barely made any annoucements. The system is suppose to launch about the same time as the PS3, but with so little information being made public, it's hard to see that happening. I really hope Nindendo comes through, but in recent years, Nintendo has lost major touch with it's fans. One thing Nintendo is going to please it's fan is releasing a realistic version of the Zelda franchise. It's a very pretty game, and all I can say is... it's about time. I can't wait for this game. This is the game that Nintendo fans have been wanting for the last 5 years, and it's great to finally see it. The game is called The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, and should be out this fall. SWEET!!!
- My Space - I just started a My Space page. It's kind of a big friend list. That's it. But if you have a page, feel free to add me as a friend. I've posted the link in the sidebar as well.
- STAR WARS - Tonight is the night. The final Star Wars film plays TONIGHT! 12:01. I will be there. It's going to be great. It's a great experience going to the midnight showings of the last three films, and each one has left an impression. It's sad that this will be the last time I get to see Star War at midnight, but it will be well worth it. I got the tickets yesterday and will probably be there in line around 10:30 or 11 (I want to make sure I get a good seat). My friend Shai will be there, fully dressed as a Jedi, and he'll probably be the only one... I think. I might be wrong.
That is all for this edition of Mega Update. Stay tuned though, because I have an update coming up involving my new pets. Yes, you heard that right, PETS, two of them. It's a great day to be alive.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
I Should Probably Update
It's been a busy week, and I've been meaning to update, just really haven't had a chance to. So I'll give you the short version now, and the long later.
- New cat
- New dog
- Working
- Golf tournament
- My Space
- XBox 360
- And more Star Wars
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Things Are Starting To Come Together
My life seems to be getting back on track. I've gotten two jobs. The one job is a part-time position as the HSSE library doing some sort of "special project" involving filing EVERY book in the library. I don't really have to do much other then scan books in a computer, so it won't be too hard. The job is Monday through Friday, 8 am to 10 am, only two hours a day. Cheryl, one of my professors, is going to be gone during the summer, and he's going to let me use her "A" parking pass. I'm glad she offered that because otherwise I'd have to find parking somewhere on the street, and most street parking is only two hours. I don't really feel like cutting it that close.
The other job I found is basically freelance. I'm going to be assisting at some weddings this summer with Image Source Photography. The two guys who run the place used to work at Berry's Camera Shop, but now own the studio. They seem cool and it should be fun working with them.
I went to dinner last night with my professor from the upcoming year. It was a good 'ol time. I think I really got and idea about how the department is. I saw a side of my professor that I hadn't REALLY seen before. Grad school is going to be great, and I can't wait to be fully part of the program. I'm actually getting together with them again on Monday for lunch. They are going to be grading this year's 117 work, and they asked me to come so I could get and idea of what I'll be doing once school starts. It will also give me a chance to see how projects are actually graded. And what I mean by that is; is the grading bias; is it more subjective or objective; what are good qualities in the work, what are the bad, etc. I'm really looking forward to it as well.
I have an interview today at 4:00 with JC Penny's photography studio. I don't really want to work there, but it's money. I kind of want to know what the pay is like before I really consider taking that job, although it's still just an interview as of now.
And finally, I want to talk about Star Wars. I am a HUGE Star Wars geek, so the next couple of weeks are going to be VERY exciting. In case you didn't know, Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith comes out on May 19th.
Advertisement have started and things are getting into full swing. Everything I've been hearing so far suggest that this is going to be the best of the newer films. I never really had a problem with Episode I or II, but a lot of people didn't enjoy them. I kind of don't know how the public is going to receive Episode III. From what I can tell, it's going to be a VERY dark film. It's the first Star Wars film to be rated PG-13 (the others all being PG). I think a lot of the die-hard fans will appreciate the extra amount of "maturity" put into the film to warrant such a rating, but I think parents with younger children might be turned away. My brother Roger plans on taking his three children to see the movie when it comes out. They are 6, 8, and 11 years old. I told him it might not be the best thing for them to see, but he thinks they can handle it.
When I say the film is dark, I mean IT IS DARK. It's dark to the point where 10 years ago it might have received an "R" rating. I'm pretty sure I'm going to enjoy it, and I can't wait for it to come out. I bough the soundtrack for it on Tuesday, and it is excellent. It's very dramatic from start to finish. I really think, just in the score, that John Williams really captured the mood of Episode III perfectly. I haven't even seen the film yet, but if the soundtrack is any indication, this film is going to rock!
The other job I found is basically freelance. I'm going to be assisting at some weddings this summer with Image Source Photography. The two guys who run the place used to work at Berry's Camera Shop, but now own the studio. They seem cool and it should be fun working with them.
I went to dinner last night with my professor from the upcoming year. It was a good 'ol time. I think I really got and idea about how the department is. I saw a side of my professor that I hadn't REALLY seen before. Grad school is going to be great, and I can't wait to be fully part of the program. I'm actually getting together with them again on Monday for lunch. They are going to be grading this year's 117 work, and they asked me to come so I could get and idea of what I'll be doing once school starts. It will also give me a chance to see how projects are actually graded. And what I mean by that is; is the grading bias; is it more subjective or objective; what are good qualities in the work, what are the bad, etc. I'm really looking forward to it as well.
I have an interview today at 4:00 with JC Penny's photography studio. I don't really want to work there, but it's money. I kind of want to know what the pay is like before I really consider taking that job, although it's still just an interview as of now.
And finally, I want to talk about Star Wars. I am a HUGE Star Wars geek, so the next couple of weeks are going to be VERY exciting. In case you didn't know, Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith comes out on May 19th.
Advertisement have started and things are getting into full swing. Everything I've been hearing so far suggest that this is going to be the best of the newer films. I never really had a problem with Episode I or II, but a lot of people didn't enjoy them. I kind of don't know how the public is going to receive Episode III. From what I can tell, it's going to be a VERY dark film. It's the first Star Wars film to be rated PG-13 (the others all being PG). I think a lot of the die-hard fans will appreciate the extra amount of "maturity" put into the film to warrant such a rating, but I think parents with younger children might be turned away. My brother Roger plans on taking his three children to see the movie when it comes out. They are 6, 8, and 11 years old. I told him it might not be the best thing for them to see, but he thinks they can handle it.
When I say the film is dark, I mean IT IS DARK. It's dark to the point where 10 years ago it might have received an "R" rating. I'm pretty sure I'm going to enjoy it, and I can't wait for it to come out. I bough the soundtrack for it on Tuesday, and it is excellent. It's very dramatic from start to finish. I really think, just in the score, that John Williams really captured the mood of Episode III perfectly. I haven't even seen the film yet, but if the soundtrack is any indication, this film is going to rock!
Monday, May 02, 2005
GOD DAMN!
Seriously, if I have to fill out another personality questionnaire on another one of these fucking online applications, I think I may fucking kill someone! 39 PAGES!!! Oh my fucking god! How many times can they ask "Can you be a leader?" I'm telling you, it's taken me 2 and a half hours to fill out FOUR applications. I've probably answer the same handful of personality questions about 500 times by now. AND I STILL HAVE SEVERAL MORE TO DO!!! JESUS CHRIST!!!
Sunday, May 01, 2005
It's May!
It's May, and you know what that means?... Me neither. It's basically just another month. If I was still in school, it would mean the end of the semester. But, I'm not it school currently, so therefore I have nothing to look forward to. I did "kind of" find a job. I'm going to be assisting at some weddings this summer. It pays $11 per hour, and the average wedding last 7 hours apparently, so I'll be making $70-80 per wedding. Here's to everyone getting married this summer!!!
It's one of my nephew's birthday today, so I have to go to that.
I'm not a big fan of birthday parties. It's fun for the kid, sure, but for everyone else, it's pretty boring. I never really had too many birthday parties growing up. The most that would usually happen would be that a couple of friends would spend the night. That was about it. The only time that I remember having a "large" birthday party was when my family bought out the local arcade here. It was me with like 6 of my friends. We each had like $30 worth of tokens and the entire arcade to ourselves for an hour. That had to be the coolest thing ever. I didn't even use all my tokens, and I still have like $60 worth. Too bad the arcade isn't open anymore...
PS... I'm not bothering with spell check anymore, so just deal with it... :oD
It's one of my nephew's birthday today, so I have to go to that.
I'm not a big fan of birthday parties. It's fun for the kid, sure, but for everyone else, it's pretty boring. I never really had too many birthday parties growing up. The most that would usually happen would be that a couple of friends would spend the night. That was about it. The only time that I remember having a "large" birthday party was when my family bought out the local arcade here. It was me with like 6 of my friends. We each had like $30 worth of tokens and the entire arcade to ourselves for an hour. That had to be the coolest thing ever. I didn't even use all my tokens, and I still have like $60 worth. Too bad the arcade isn't open anymore...
PS... I'm not bothering with spell check anymore, so just deal with it... :oD
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