Down

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sure it has something to do with my birthday being yesterday, but I am really depressed right now. Questions of whether or not I'm every going to be happy is going through my mind. I feel that I'm stuck and going nowhere. There is so much that I want and want to do, and it's not happening.

I know life isn't suppose to be easy, but every once in a while I'd like life to throw me a bone, you know, give me a reason for living. I want to be happy. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. And then the dreams are back. Today I took a nap, and yep, nightmares. Not like horror movies nightmares, but real life nightmares.

I have never liked my birthday. They are never a time for celebration and I always feel alone. There was only one high point to my birthday this year and that was cut short.

Sometimes I think this is all there is. Sure, there are good moments, but it seems like there are more bad then good. I don't know what to do. :o(

A Post

This has been a long day and I am tired. I was kind of productive, but not hardly enough. I'm having trouble staying focused. I don't know what it is.

Something that has just come to my attention... a lot of these new "horror" movies are all the same. A bunch of young teens get lost in the middle of no where and a group of freaks kidnaps them and tortures and rapes them. Ok, what has the world come to? Every horror movie that comes out now is just plain bad. What happened to the classics? I love a good scary movie, but no one is making anything good anymore. That seems to be the trend in Hollywood as a whole; let's make crap movies.

Anyway, I shot some more footage last night to try and help me put together this film I am making, but sadly, nothing is coming together. I am going to work my ass off tomorrow and get this first episode done and posted online.

Haha, Family Guy made fun of Ashley Simpson...

Sorry. What I need to do to get this film back on track is talk to people. I need to interview people about aspects of their lives and get perspective on what a film is really suppose to be about. Problem is, I need to actually interact with people... WHILE I have the camera, which doesn't happen often. Most of the filming I've done has all been stock footage. I need people. If anyone would like to volunteer a few minutes of their time to be in front of the camera, I would greatly appreciate it.

It's 4 In the Morning

Crash. Bang.

I am awoken this morning by a loud, thunderous sound and a bright flash of light. At first I think it was nothing more then a nearby lightning strike. Little did I know that there was something going on right outside my front door.

A few minutes later, the sirens start. Obviously something has happened (oh yeah, the power is out too). I get out of bed and look out my front window and there is a cop car blocking off the street. Ok. Then I look to my right and notice that power poll in my front yard has been busted into three parts. Ok. I look a little further more, and there is a car, upside down and in pieces... just outside my building.

More police and firefighters arrive along with ambulances, only to leave a few minutes later. I'm afraid to say, but I believe this is a case of DOA. It's been about an hour since the accident, and the only remaining people are the police, putting up caution tape and blocking off the road. The power is still out, and the car is still laying there in my front yard. It looks as though the car hit the power poll and I can only assume that, being for late on a Friday night, that this is the result of tiredness and/or drunkenness. Crowds gather outside after hearing what was going on, and I, being the photographer that I am, grabbed my camera.

It was a little difficult at first, being extremely low light situation and my angle of few wasn't great. I went out side to get a better shot, but the police have my building taped off, so I couldn't really get a better shot then was I was already doing. I will have pictures posted later.

The crime scene photographer has just shown up and is using a flash, something I should have done, but I didn't really feel like pissing the police off. The car remains, and it may be there for a while longer. My power is still out, and I guessing by seeing the damage first hand, power may not be restored for a good while. In fact, as I write this post, it's nothing more then a "WORD" document.

Timeline:
2:30 - accident happens
3:00 - ambulances leave
3:30 - CSI arrives
3:50 - utility crew arrives
4:15 - power is back on

Gallery of Awesome Elite costume! (Halo)

Check out these pictures of an elite costume. These pictures are taken from Comic-Con. Hopefully this guy will help out in making the movie! Via Joystiq.com

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What?

Ok, so my morning was a little weird...

A girl that I use to, kind of, sort of date on and off for a year or so told me that she just broke up with her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. What is interesting about this is that I have not spoken with her since she essential ended things with me to be with him and today, out of the blue, I get a message saying "I thought you'd be happy to know that Mark broke up with me on Sunday."

That's it.

Virtually no contact for 2 1/2 years, and then this. This is a strange way to start the day.

I don't get it. I find it interesting that she thinks I need to know this information. This is the only other girl that I thought I might be in love with, so needless to say, this was a weird way to start the morning.

UPDATE: Well, kind of. I have since spoken with her, and I'm still a little confused why she told me this. We don't have any common friends or anything, so it's not like I'm going to hear this from someone else. I didn't get much from her as in the way of conversation, but I may or may not be getting together with her to talk.

So Sleepy

I am so tired today and I can't figure out why. I got enough sleep last night (I think) and I ate protein rich food this morning. Actually, now that I think of it, I did take some Nyquil last night (even though it's that new kind without the good drugs in it). That is probably why. It must still be in my system.

Therefore, this post has been for nothing. Great.

Oh yeah, teaching 106 is boring on work days.

Get Down, Shake Your Booty Baby

I guess there is something wrong with me. The last couple of sessions with my fitness trainer has resulted in me becoming dizzy and getting a headache. At first my trainer thought it was just a dietary thing (like I wasn't eating enough), but today it happened again and she thinks it might be something serious. I have an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow about. I'm kind of scared because it usually happens after just a little workout. I don't even get into the whole routine. There are days where I can go an hour and a half just fine, and then there is today where I only made it about 20 minutes before I started feeling dizzy, and I had plenty to eat for breakfast. I did forget to take my vitamins today, could that have been it? I really don't think the vitamin's are doing too much, but I guess that could possibly be the reason. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't been sleeping for the last couple of weeks... at all. It's kind of hard to sleep when there is so much on my mind.

Anyway. Tomorrow. Doctor's appointment. I'll know (but probably not)...

Life's Theme Song

The No. 1 song on your 18th birthday is said to be your life's theme song. Go to this link, type in your month, day and year of your 18TH BIRTHDAY and hopefully it explains as much for you as it did for me. Don't type in your date of birth, as it requests, instead type in the date of your 18th birthday.

http://www.thisdayinmusic.com/member/birthdayno1.php

This is the theme song of my life... go figure...

Lonestar - "Amazed"

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I’ve never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
I don’t know how you do what you do
I’m so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I’m amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes

I don’t know how you do what you do
I’m so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I’m amazed by you

Every little thing that you do
I’m so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Oh, every little thing that you do
Baby I’m amazed by you.

So Okay

All of a sudden, this week became very easy. My Monday class is somewhat canceled and my Wednesday class was canceled all together. Really, the only thing I have to do this week is teach. Sweet.

I was listening to a lot of music today while I was working, and every song was making sense with what is going on in my life. It's funny how music does that. There was one song in particular that I liked... a lot. It rang so true. It was a song by the Ataris. I like them. They are from Anderson.

I'm killing time now, waiting for my turn to go over the graduate review with Elizabeth, and then it's time to get out of here.

Weekends

The last three weekends have been bad. Next weekend is most likely going to be bad as well. I don't like the weekends so much anymore...

How is it that I always have a list of things to get done, and I never get around to it until Monday morning? It's not that I have A LOT of work, but it's stuff that I could have easily done anytime this weekend, but I waited until now.

I don't know why I'm writing this... I'm not in the mood...

I'll Write Another Post, Why the Hell Not?

So I broke the door on my desk. Real smart of me. After further inspection, I may be able to fix it; may try and do that today.

It's really cold outside. It's like -3 or something, but it's suppose to get back up into the 50's by Wednesday or Thursday.

Edited for content...

I am going to be keeping myself busy today. Fitness training, reading, writing, research, editing, capturing, cleaning; anything I can do to occupy my mind.

Top ten reasons Geeks make good fathers

Might pacify your wife/gf/baby-mother if she complains of being a "computer widow".

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A Weak Moment

EDIT: I wrote this last night in a state of weakness...

i am numb and i have been drinking. this isnt good. i think i am depressed again. i have no emotion and i cant move my face. i broke my desk. i had to break something. im sorry...

i dont want to see the sun tomorrow

A Lot

There is a lot on my mind. A lot. Some of it has to do with school. Some of it has to do with work. Some of it has to do with family and other people around me. Some of it has to do emotions. Some of it has to do with situations. Some of it has to do with this damn line from a song that is stuck in my head...

Why is it when you get a song stuck in your head, it's only a single line?

...

I don't think I'm going to finish this post. There are more important things to be thinking about.

Template Changes

In case you haven't noticed, I've been playing with the template, trying to find one that I think fits. I may end up just making my own template, who knows? I'm also thinking of putting my blog back up on my own server, instead of blogspot. I will let you know if that ends up being the case.

WARNING: I AM A Guy - Total Guy Moment

So this has been the high point of my evening...

Lisa Loeb walking around in a thong...


That is just hot. Damn.

Valentine's Day...

...sucks. I am not having a good day. I forgot everything I was suppose to take with me this morning, my students weren't prepared, and I just realized I don't have anywhere near the amount of money I thought I had. I'm a little stressed out right now and nothing seems to be going in my favor (which really scares me for the next couple of days). But, with that said, I did receive a valentine today from one of my students, so that's always nice.

So it's Valentine's Day, and here is a romantic song...

Norah Jones - The Nearness of You

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It's just the nearness of you

It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
It's just the nearness of you

When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you

Photography - What I Really Want To Do

I know the kind of photographer I want to be, and it's not what I'm doing right now. I know exactly the kind of work I want to do, and I'm not doing it. I'm here in school, pretending to be someone that I'm not. I am not an artist, and yet, that's what I'm doing in school. It's not interesting enough for me, but photography is. I know that if I started focusing on what I actually wanted to do, I'd be kicked out of school in an instant. Cheryl already kicked one guy out of the grad photo class because she thought his work wasn't going to be "intellectual" enough. I stood up for the guy, but I guess she scared him away.

I do want to teach one day too, I know that much, but it's the time between now and then that I really want to do the kind of photographic work that I like. I try to do as much as I can in my free time, but it isn't always easy. Trying to find people who are interested enough to work with and then having all the proper equipment makes it difficult.

I am going to spend much more time focusing on what I like when I can. The teaching thing and the art thing are my day job, and I should take all the opportunities I can to further my enjoyment with photography before it becomes something I loath as well.

All I need to do is surround myself with others like me, and get away from this art school thing for a while...

The Good and the Bad

Friday was a day where I did nothing. I cleaned a little bit, hung out with some friends for a little while, and played games. I was a lazy bum.

• Good: Played Halo
• Bad: I was lazy and didn't get any of my work done

Saturday was a day where it seemed like I got some stuff done, but when I really think about it, I didn't do THAT much. I cleaned a little more, went to fitness training, bought a firewire card for my computer (which didn't work and I had to return it), went grocery shopping, and I got some grading done. I was in an aggravated mood yesterday. Everyone was pissing me off.

• Good: I did get SOME grading done
• Bad: The firewire card that I bought didn't work

What about today? Well, I'm still going to be aggravated. I'll probably be that way until Wednesday or Thursday. I'm going to go get more of my grading done here in a few and then try to do some work on my video (doubt it).

*Sigh* I'm not motivated...

Motivation

I have none of it.

I cannot motivate myself to get up and work right now. I have a whole list of things that I need to do, and all I WANT to do is sit around all day. I need to get up and get out. Training, grading, editing, filming, writing, and reading. I need to buy groceries and pay my bills. I need to finish cleaning and probably do laundry. I need to go to the bank. So much stuff and I just don't want to...

Grrr...

I'm Sorry

That last post was really negative. From now on, I'm going to be more positive and finding at least one good thing that happens everyday. So going through the week again;

• Monday: I can think of one thing...
• Tuesday: Saw Mom, saw an apartment
  
• Wednesday: Finished my 106 meeting early
• Thursday: A couple of the students that I don't like didn't come to class, it's sunny

That's a good start, right?

TGIT - Thank God It's Thursday

I know, I'm a dick. My week ends on Thursday and it's so good. Everyone hates me...

So this has been an interesting week;

• Monday sucked.
• Tuesday was Mom's birthday. We went out for Chinese and then I got sick. Fun times. I also went and looked at potentially my new apartment for next July. The place is much bigger then my place now and cheaper. I could get an even larger place for the same price I am paying now, but I think the smaller of the two still has more then enough space then I would need.
  
  
  
• Wednesday I had to defend my work yet again in class. I don't like artists. They think they know everything and that they are always right. You can't tell an artist something without them turning your words around. I'm kind of getting sick of always being on the defensive. I know I'm not great at explaining my work, but when I say something, I'm pretty sure I know what I'm and I don't like it when people try and correct me. Dammit. I was in a bad mood last night.
• Thursday has been "blah" thus far. My students continue to come to class unprepared, which means I have to find busy work for them. Not a fun way to teach. At least I have some good students. I don't know what's going to happen the rest of the night...
  

Friday is probably going to be "blah" as well, seeing as how I don't have much to do. This weekend is going to be shitty though... again. Fuck.

I have tons of grading to do, more filming and recording, writing and reading, just a whole lot of work. I'm not looking forward to this weekend.

My apartment is a mess and I need to clean, but I am too lazy to do it now. I may end up taking a nap instead. And what is that smell? It smells like bubble gum, but I don't have any gum and there's nothing on the bottom of my shoes.

This Is Going To Be A Bad Weekend

So this weekend is going to suck. I know it will...

I've got an entire vidcast to edit and put together, a photography project, and a paper to write, all before Monday. I didn't get any work done yesterday (at least not school work), and I know that if I don't get working today, I won't get anything done either. I also have to find time to grade projects this weekend as well. I already told my students that might not happen, but maybe I can find time.

I was suppose to be in the SPURSE workshop this weekend, but I just didn't have the time. It's alright though, I wasn't HUGELY interested in doing it anyway. I thought it could be fun, but there is another workshop later in the semester and I should be able to participate in that one.

Let's hope this weekend isn't so bad by the end...

Halo Games

As of right now, I have played 1053 rounds of Halo 2 on Xbox Live.

I have no life...

I'm Rick James Bitch

Isn't that the most over used phrase ever?

I need to stop talking about "art" because ever time I do, I end up sounding like a fool. Tonight in the photo class I was talking about how making artwork specifically to sell it doesn't make you a "serious artist." Then someone brought up the idea of wedding photography and how it's the same thing as selling artwork. I call bullshit. I take wedding photos as a service that I am selling, it's not like I just show up at random weddings and take pictures. I have nothing against a painter being asked to paint something for a job, but when they start only making their "artwork" just to sell it an make money, the idea of art looses all meaning.

I always know what I mean, I don't always articulate it the best way. I will make a good point and then to try and back it up, I end up saying something that sounds contradictory, which then leads to people thinking I don't know what I'm talking about. It's a pain in the ass; I need to work on my speaking skills...

By Far

Today has been the toughest day of my fitness training yet. I actually could not move when I was done. I don't know how I made it home. My arms are still very unable to move right now. When I got back, I laid down and fell asleep for two hours. My bed smells now because of the sweat on it. Dammit.

After I took my shower, I did feel a lot better. The hottest water I could get coming out of my shower really helped relax my muscles and I can move a lot better now. I'm not really "in pain" but everything feels really tight. I don't know that I could do any stretches right now without tearing something. This is 5 sessions down, 11 more to go.

I will post more later, but for now I need to eat...