Just Wow

I've been in the process of reformatting my journal into this new program that I have. It's funny reading some of the old things I said. Right now I'm redoing the stuff during my freshman and sophomore years of college... and wow... I was pretty messed up back then. Well, not necessarily messed up, it was just that I got worked up a lot about the smallest things. I still do to a point, but damn, Becky, I have to give it to you. I don't know how you could have dated me. I am really surprised out relationship lasted as long as it did. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy our time together, but there were points where I thought everything was over... a lot... but we kept at it. All I can say, looking back at it now, is WOW.

On My Mind

I still think about it, about leaving Muncie and the business. It still gets to me. I dread thinking about the whole situation, but it's there. I keep thinking that I'm going to run into Jason's parents one day while walking on campus. It's a big campus, and probably isn't going to happen, but I still think about it. I left things badly; I know that. There wasn't any other way about it though, I had to get out. Muncie is a bad place. Just going back there makes me sick (as seen last time I was there shooting little league teams). I have such bad memories of that place, and none good. Not even opening the business brings up good thoughts. That place was hell. I still wish Jason the best of luck, because I know he's going to need it to keep that place open...

Now on to happier things, kind of... what do you think of the new color scheme? I didn't really like the old colors, so I tried to come up with my own. I'm not very good at color schemes and such. I better get good though, because I'm probably going to be teaching beginning design in the fall. Ouch.

Just a couple of other things: my MOBLOG has been updated with a couple of new pictures, so give it a look. I also want to suggest a band by the name of Joydrop. They were a good band that kind of fell off the face of the Earth. They had two albums, neither of which sold too well, probably why they're not around anymore. I suggest giving them a listen, if you can even find anything on them. I've got their albums if anyone is ever interested. Finally, I now have my phone all worked out to where I can add custom wallpaper and ringontes to it. I'm going to be giving everyone a custom ringtone (a song of your choice) and a custom picture. So if you have any requests for a ringtone, let me know. It can be any song pretty much, and the same goes for your custom pic.

It's going to be a boring day, so I might update again later, and then later again too. Could be a lot of updating today...

Everyone else... enjoy the day!

Penny Arcade Is Funny

The Great Outdoors

Read and be happy!

Winona Is In Trouble

My car needs work. My brakes are about to go out. Now I need to decide whether or not to spend $200 that I don't have to get my brakes fixed, OR, spend $50 that I don't have on my bike so that I can ride that to work... at least to the library, getting to Gamestop is a whole different story. It's not that I don't mind riding my bike to work... I would actually rather do that, but my bike can only get me so far, plus is needs a little work too. Of course, this whole thing couldn't happen at a worse time. I'll still behind on my bills, because somehow (I know how) I ended up being short this week and can't pay my student loan until Friday. So that's like two weeks late. I'll be fine after that, just not enough to get my car fixed. I don't know what to do. I can always ride my bike to the library in the mornings, and I could probably use Robin's truck to get to Gamestop when I work there. As long as I don't have to go anywhere else, I'll be okay. Haha...

The other thing is that I've been really wanting to go on a road trip. Maybe up to the lake or something. Can't do that now I guess. I'll probably have my friend Nick take a look at Winona before he leaves for his wedding. He might be able to make me a deal. It just sucks that it has to be now. I really wish I knew more about cars. I mean, I know a little, but I also know that I can't fix my brakes without the proper tools.

Okay, I'm going to make a list of things of goals that I want to accomplish in the near future, that way I feel like I'm doing something productive:

• Learn to fix cars
• Learn to play the piano
• Finally fix my bike
• This list will continue to update when I think of more stuff

Walking On Campus Is Weird

So like the last couple of days, I've been walking on campus, running various errands, and there are a lot of incoming freshman with their parents here for their "Day On Campus." It's strange to think that just five years ago, I was in their position, and now... I'm going to be teaching them... that's a little unnerving. Granted, I'm not going to be teaching a whole lot of people (most likely, I'll have about 30 students total between my two classes), but it's still strange. These kids are going to be looking to me for guidance and leadership. Am I really ready to stand up in front of a class, and tell these kids how to be a photographer? You see, I'm teaching A&D 117, which is basic photography. It's the foundation class. What I teach these kids is going to guide their future in the world of photography. I can't believe I'm going to have that kind of power. Haha... should I be allowed to have that kind of power? Given the circumstances of my photographic career, some might say no. I have a tendency to tell my teachers that they know nothing. I bet they are just going to love my students. Imagine... every semester, 30 more of... ME! Mwahahahaha!!!

Yeah, that's a scary thought...

MOBLOG

In case you haven't noticed, there is a new link to the side. This link is my MOBLOG. It's basically a place to store my cell phone pictures for the world to see. Take a look, there are some good ones on there, and now that I can actually upload the pics, there should be a lot more updating of this page. Enjoy!

One More Wedding

If there is one thing that I've gotten out of shooting these weddings is the fact that I DO want to be married one day. I mean, I've always figured I would get married, but now I WANT to get married. There's something about that kind of commitment that makes me feel good. That's a big reason why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling recently. Weddings really know how to fuck with my mind. Plus, on top of all that, I think I'm in love*. So when you throw it all together, you get one big mess in my head. It's like an emotion-overload. Too much at one time, and it's all cumulated this week.

The couple that we were shooting was a really great couple. They were really in love. The weird thing was... they didn't seem like a couple you would see together. The woman was this BEAUTIFUL girl, tall, tan, blonde, and a huge smile. She kind of looked like Paris Hilton a little bit, but with sweetness, not sluttiness... I think you get the picture. BUT, the thing that was weird was the guy. He was a total dork. Tall, skinny guy, glasses; the whole works. How did this guy get this girl? If you saw these two, you wouldn't believe they were a couple... until you SEE them together. They are completely in love. Despite their differences, they love each other. They are THAT couple. Seeing these two together gives me hope that I will find that kind of relationship one day.

Weddings and I seem to be a dangerous combination. I'm in such a great mood afterwards. Why is that dangerous you might ask? Well, it's because it makes me want to be in love... or at least, it makes me look for love, where there might now be love. There is this girl right now... I think I may love her, but I can't be sure of this. Are these feelings real, or are they just the result of the last couple of weeks? Could all of these weddings recently be clouding my thoughts, making me think something that's probably not true? Can someone really even be in love if it's not mutual? I've been dealing with the questions for a while now, and I can't find the answers. I think I've been in love before... but those relationships did not work out. So was I really in love? Am I really in love now, or am I just setting myself up for another heartbreak? I'm scared to say it... but I'm afraid it's heartbreak again. I HOPE it's not, but my mind keeps telling me to prepare...

The one thing about all this is that, I know THIS girl reads this blog. I know she's going to see this, but I don't know what she's going to think about all this. She's probably just going think that I'm some desperate fool, getting too attached to a girl that I barely know. She's probably right. But then I start thinking about the way things have happened, and I start thinking that maybe it was fate. Could it be fate? Could this relationship really be the one? This is what I've been dealing with for the last week. It's been on my mind, and it's not going away. Is this love? Probably not... it's just me being lonely. It still hurts though. What makes this whole situation worse is that said girl no longer lives here in Lafayette, which makes finding out whether or not that I really love her near impossible. She might come back... she might not. It's up in the air right now. If I was a betting man, I'd bet on her not coming back... but that's just the pessimist in me. I REALLY want her to come back, but I know I can't pressure her. She's already having enough trouble dealing with this without me making things worse. I keep telling her that I wish a decision like this was easy, but she and I both know it's not. This is a HARD decision. This is a life changing decision. I know that and she knows that.

This girl is an amazing woman. She is beautiful beyond imagination. She is FUN. She is goofy. She is a total dork. She has the most beautiful eyes, the most beautiful smile, and the most beautiful personality I have ever seen. There is nothing more that I want to do then hold her and tell her how much that I care about her. Just the idea of her makes me smile; I have never felt like this before. I can't believe that a girl like this would even be interested in me. What is it that I have that this girl could possibly see in me? How can I be so lucky to be part of this girl's life? There is not a single thing about this girl that I don't like. She is the kind of girl that you fight for... and I want to fight for her. There is so much that I want to do with her, so many things I want to say, so many things that we should have done (we've known each other for 9 years, what the hell is wrong with me), that I can't imagine not having her in my life. She deserves everything the world has to offer, and I want to be the one to give her everything. But the pessimist in me says otherwise, and that's where my heart it torn. Is hope enough? Can I get through this? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Only in time...

*PLEASE NOTE - I have been drinking and... well... I just got back from a wedding, so you could probably just ignore this whole post.

WTF!?

Is it just me, or is it weird that, in every car that I've had (every being 3), my rearview mirror has fallen off? It can't just be coincidence, can it? And it's not like I hit the mirror and it fell off. No, I come out to the car, and there's the mirror, on the floor. You have to be kidding me. Plus, it's damn near impossible to put it back on yourself, which means I have to have it professionally done. More money I don't have. Stupid car...

Can't Think of Anything

I'm realizing more and more that my BLOG is just a place for me to complain...

Stress is a bitch. If it's not one thing on my mind, it's like 10 different things. From money problems, to work, to family, to love, and even problems I have with myself, it's all taking over. I don't know why I let so much get to me, I know I don't have control over a lot of things in my life, which is another problem in itself. I always thought that I could handle anything. I usually do. But right now, things are tough. I'm not overworked, but I feel like it. I'm barely working as it is, maybe that's the problem. I need to get out more and do something. I'm hating myself for sitting in front of this computer so much recently. I am trying to make an effort to get out more, but it's still not enough. Most of my friends are gone for the summer, so there is no one to go out with and do anything. When you add in the fact that I don't have any money anyway, going out seems like an impossible dream. There is so much that I want to do, and people that I want to spend time with, but it's hard to think like that when the people you want to spend time aren't here.

There is this feeling in my stomach that isn't going away. It's probably an ulser. I'm such a pessimist and I don't see a happy ending to all of this. I'm trying to be an optimist about certain aspects of my life, but it's hard when you've been in certain situation before and they turn out the same way. I have to hold on to hope, because if I don't, I don't know what's left. Hope right now is what keeps me going. Things will work out. Things will get better. I have to keep that thought in the front of my mind all day long, but everyday things don't get better, it's like a punch in the stomach. I hate to bring up a tired subject... actually, I don't think I will. There are so many thoughts in my head right now, and every once in a while, one of them sits up and starts screaming. I think I need to start seeing a shrink. I really think it might help with a lot of the issues that I'm having. Once August comes around, I'll be able to get into some sessions through the school. I'm usually pretty open about talking with these kind of things with people, but right now I'm really closed off. I'm afraid I might scare some people off, which is the last thing I want to do right now. I know it's stupid and I should be able to talk about it, but I'm not even sure if the thoughts I'm having are really what I'm feeling.

I've had a lot of problems in the past like this. This isn't a new problem. It's one that's been with my for a long time. I don't know how to make it go away. I THINK I know, but if that's really true, why do I still feel like this?

Sorry... I stopped to think things out. There I go, thinking again. I should be writing out what I'm thinking, but like I said, I don't think I can, not right now. There is one thing right now. I'm holding on to ONE thing. Life cannot be lived by hanging on to ONE thing, can it? Is it as simple as that? Can one thing be so important? I can't answer that right now, but I do know that I don't want to loose that one thing, because right now, it is that important.

Only the Lonely

I'm really feeling lonely today. I hate this feeling. It's like I'm empty. I feel incomplete. It probably doesn't help that I'm reading through converstations with an old sorta/could have been, girlfriend. I just don't feel right. I can't make this feeling go away, and the more I think about it, the worse this feeling gets. It's a pit and it's a void that I don't know how to fill. It's never ending and it won't go away. I am lost. I am sad. I'm pathetic. God, I hate these thoughts! My mind is my own worst enemy. It controls everything I do, but can't stop making me feel worse. It's a screaming voice in a crowd of thoughts. I am alone. It hurts so much that sometimes I want to cry (but don't get me wrong, I'm a guy, and guys don't cry). I can't shake it. It's there with me when I wake up and it's there when I go to sleep. It's a feeling that has been there for a while. And it's not so much that I'm lonely in the sense that I NEED somebody; it's something else. I don't know if it's the feeling of wanting a family (in the sense of a wife, two and a half kids, dog, house and a white picket fence), just wanting to be with someone, or something else... but it's there. I don't think it helps that I've been working so many weddings lately, seeing these people starting their lives. I want that. I want something/someone/someplace that I know is mine. I've never had that... It's really been hard today. I'm depressed now. My mind gets me worked up like this from time to time. I shouldn't feel like this. It's not right and I can't stand it. I'm nothing more then a shadow of myself right now. I don't see where I'm going. I'm scared and I'm alone...

Massive BLOG Update!

Ok, so I was bored today, and I have A LOT of pent-up energy. This morning I went and biked about 12 miles, then when I got home, I started in on this massive update. I'll go through everything just so you know what's going on. First, you can see that the page has changed. I like the new format. It's just more visually pleasing. I'm not sure about the colors yet, but if you have any suggestions for a color scheme, let me know.

Second, my links have all been updated as well. I didn't update much on my deviantART page, but there are a few things. I'm going to be overhauling that site too, adding a lot more of my work in the next few days. I also started a MOBLOG, which is basically just a picture blog. I'm pretty much just going to put cell phone pics on there. I might put some other stuff, but the cell phone (and my webcam) will be the primary. There is also a direct link now to my webcam. Keep in mind that it can only be viewed using Internet Explorer. Sorry FireFox fans.

So that's the update. Now for what's going on in my world. I haven't been posting much recently. I don't know if it's because I haven't had much to say, or if it has to do with not wanting to say what's on my mind. And I don't mean like... trying to hide what I'm thinking, it's just that there are some things that I feel are TRULY personal, and I don't think the entire world needs to know, at least not yet. I've always been open on here, and I don't think that's going to change, but I may be more reserved about what I say.

What's on my mind? Well, I'm still waiting for August. A lot of the problems that I'm having now should be cleared up by then... hopefully. I was called the other day by my credit card company, and they said that if I didn't make a payment in a week, they were going to send a collection agency after me, which I totally understand, since I haven't paid my bill in like two months. I think I'm going to be okay and get the payment made. I'm actually starting to make some money now, it was just a matter of time. After I get my last two bills paid this month, I'll be in the clear, and shouldn't have anymore problems.

I shot another wedding yesterday. I was held in Indy at this place called White River Gardens. This place was pretty cool and the wedding was really nice. It's the kind of wedding I would like to have one day. The couple really seemed to be happy, which is always good to see. Weddings put me in a weird mood. I really like seeing all these happy couples together, which makes me happy, and which makes me long for being in that kind of relationship. I know it's going to happen, just don't know when. It's the waiting that sucks...

I don't know... I'm a helpless romantic. I always think love is going to happen in some kind of picture-perfect way. Sometimes it does. I think those times are the ones that are worth holding on to...

Okay, so I got distracted, and now I don't remember where I was going with this. I like my red and blue t-shirt. I like people who wear red and blue t-shirts. There, I think that was my point. ;o)

My Feet Hurt

Who knew working in a library for seven hours would be so bad? For one thing, my feet are killing me. Plus, I had to spend two hours just dusting books. I can barely breathe and my throat hurts. It's really boring work too. And I'm finding out that a lot of the people who work there after I leave in the morning are kind of tools. I'm going to be working "extended" hours there again in a couple of weeks for about a weeks time. It pays... that's all that really matters. I'm pretty tired right now, and hungry. It's been a long day, so I think I'm just going to chill out the rest of the day. Enjoy the weather!!!

Is it the weekend yet?

Oh Boy...

I don't really have much to say, but I feel like writing something, so here it is...

Ok, so my mind if drawing a blank. Damn...

Maybe...

No, that won't work...

Hmmmm...

Seriously, can't think of a thing to write. I mean, I could talk about my day, like work this morning, and having to take my grandma to the doctor, but that's not too interesting. I could talk about how I want to have a house one day with a big backyard, so my dog (whatever dog that may be) can run around and has lots of fun! Oh, that does remind of something I can talk about... my little dog, Bruiser, he broke his leg. Yeah, that sucks. Poor little guy! He was running around the house, being the crazy dog that he is, and jumped off the couch... SNAP! He doesn't act like it hurts. He's still running around... being crazy. We're not even sure that it's broke, but he just won't put weight on it. He's going into the vet later today to get it checked out. He should be fine.

I really like the music on the Weather Channel. Is that weird? I could sit hear and listen to that music all day. I use to when I was younger. I was so lame.

I like the rain. It's very calming, and romantic at times. The weather has been teasing me lately, where is acts like it's going to rain, but then is doesn't. This morning was a perfect example. Cloudy this morning; bright, clear blue sunny skies now. I'm not one to knock blue skies, I like them quite a bit, but I could really go for a nice thunderstorm right now...

Attending A Wedding

So attending a wedding is much better then working a wedding. The main difference... free beer. You can't drink when you're working, but I could drink all I wanted to tonight. In fact, I'm a little buzzed right now. Altought the wedding was fun, my mind was kind of wandering. I was kind of lonely there. I think it had a lot to do with the mood, the weather, and the people around me.

It was a nice wedding, with a good amount of people there. The actual ceremony was kind of long (they kept playing songs during the ceremony), but once the reception got underway, all was good. The food was great, and of course... free beer! I am so sounding like an alcholic...

Anyway, I had to leave kind of early because my friend was getting bored. I would have stayed a little longer, but I still had fun.
ps... you are reading the mood thing correctly...

Working A Wedding

So working a wedding isn't really all that fun. The wedding itself is fun, kinda makes me want to have one, but that's a whole different story. :oP

My job at the wedding was to assist the photographer (yes, I know I am a photographer, but this guy is like... 6 years older then me, so he is SO much better then I am). I carried the equipment around, got the cameras ready for him, and so on. The thing I did like was when I got to actually shoot some stuff. I shot the actually wedding from the balconey. That was pretty cool. I also shot a couple of other things. Had the job been all that, I wouldn't have had a problem with. I know for sure that I wouldn't make a career out of wedding shoots, but it's definently something I could see doing on the side. I guess he gets paid around $2,500 per wedding. That is A LOT of money. That is just his fee, not supplies or equipment. I mean... holy crap! And that's low apparently. I guess some places charge over $5,000, easily. Kind of makes me want to be a wedding photographer, if for no other reason then the money.

The wedding itself was nice, but the place they had it in was friggin' hot. I don't think I've ever sweat this much. They kept turning the a/c down, but it didn't help. Plus my feet hurt from following the photographer around all night, not to mention my neck because of the equipment.

If there is one thing I did take away from the experience, it was that I do now know how to actually shoot a wedding, which opens up all kinds of possibilities. Assuming I can get the equipment, I could totally start doing weddings as a side gig next summer. I'm going to be doing several more weddings this summer, so that means more experience, and hopefully more shooting as well.

It felt good to be behind the camera again...

Weak and Powerless...

So I was going over my bills, assuming that I had everything under control, only to find out that I'm totally fucked in the ass. I can't believe I've let things get this bad. I don't know that I'm going to have enough money to pay my bills for the next month. I should have fucking taken the job at Walgreens, at least I would be making some money right now. But no, I had to go and fucking quit because I didn't think I wanted to work there. Well look where I am now. I can only hope that I make enough money in the next two weeks in order to pay my bills. This is not what I needed right now... FUCK!

My Life... RIGHT NOW

Ok, so my life right now is a little... discombobulated. I am working FOUR jobs. I work about 10 hours a week at the HSSE library. I spend two hours a day there, early in the morning, scanning barcodes on books. It's a real boring job. It doesn't pay well, and did I mention it's boring. The only reason I DO like this job is because it gets me up in the morning. It's nice to be awake at a decent time. It makes the day feel a lot longer.

I am also working free-lance for two photography studios. The first being Image Source, based here in Lafayette. This job isn't too bad. I'm mostly just covering weddings. I am pretty much scheduled to work every upcoming weekend doing this, and it pays well. My other free-lance job is with Crabtree Photography back in Muncie. I really like the people who work there and they respect me a lot. I don't mind driving back to Muncie, it's just that I usually only know on a short notice that he needs my help, and it's usually too late.

Finally, there is Gamestop. This is basically the same job that I've had for the last several years. Working at CD Land and owning my own store make this job REAL easy. It's not a lot of hours, and doesn't pay too well, but I enjoy the work. I think that's why I didn't want to work at Walgreens. It just didn't seem like I was going to enjoy working there.

My life right now is: wait until August. Everything seems like it will be coming together then. School will be starting and I will be teaching. I'll have enough money to get an apartment and get some of my bills paid off. August will be really nice, but I don't know how much longer I can wait. There is so much I want to do (school wise), that I feel like I'm just sitting on my hands this summer. I could probably be out, working on something, but I don't feel motivated to get out there and do it. I have a whole book of ideas written down for projects I want to do, but the lack of motivation makes them nothing more then notes on some pieces of paper.

I know this will all turn around come August, but August seems so far away. But you know me, come August I'll probably be bitching about how much school sucks... go figure!

Just For You

MR. T EXPERIENCE - King Dork

I don't have much to offer
or anything at all
I look like death warmed over
you're like a living doll
Okay, I may be the worst that you have seen
But I'm King Dork and I want you to be my Queen, e-een, e-een, whoa-o
I'm King Dork and I want you to be my Queen

You're too dear to put a price on
and when I talk to you
You're more than Monty Python
Star Trek or Dr. Who
You're much more than
MST3K or D&D yeah

I'm King Dork and I want you to be with me, e-ee, e-ee, whoa-o
I'm King Dork and I want you to be with me-e-e-e-e.

Once you get used to it
Maybe you can love me just a little bit
Would that be, such a catastrophe?
So don't start screaming yet
Just lower your standards and get set
Whatever it takes, however it has to be

Those other girls can't stand me
There's none as fair as you
But if they see you and me
It might embarass you
So we'll go where they will never see you

I'm King Dork and I want you to be with me, e-ee, e-ee, whoa-o
I'm King Dork and I want you to be my
I'm King Dork and I want you to be my
I'm King Dork and I want you to be my Queen

I Don't Know

I don't know if I can feel anything. I'm in such a strange mood right now that I can't say what I'm feeling. It's kind of like an emptiness, but with a touch of boredom, and maybe a little longing. I feel like I need to be doing something. Maybe it's the feeling that I'm loosing control. Maybe there is such a thing as fate. Maybe my life is predestined. I don't know. There is so much going on in my head right now that it's getting harder and harder to think clearly. I need to get out of here. I need to live on my own. I need to be doing something with my life. I need... I need a lot of things...

Some of these things in my head are really bugging the hell out of me. They're thoughts that I shouldn't be having because I don't have the right to have these thoughts. Things are the way they are, I can't change that. Life is complicated right now. I wish I had the answer. I really, really do wish I had the answer, but I don't. I guess things just need to happen on their own. It's that fate thing again, and damn it, I hate it. I want things to be easy, but nothing like this is easy. Life is not easy. Is it only hard now because it will be easier later? There isn't always a straight answer, which I think is the hardest part. No matter what path we choose in life, there is always going to be the question of "what if?" Sure, sometimes in life, you might get a second chance to take the other path, but that doesn't always happen. Decisions are hard, and living with the choices we make is even harder, whether good or bad. Does it get easier? Probably not, but I'm a pessimist, so what do I know.

I know what I want in life. I want her...

I Think This Says It All

2:45 AM

I'm sitting here at 2:45 in the morning. It's too hot and I don't feel like sleeping right at the moment. I just got and email saying someone tried to change my email address on my credit card account. I don't know who would do that, but I fucking hate it when people "hack" my accounts. So I went and changed my password and such, but I don't think it worked. I don't know, I might have to call them in the morning. This only happened one other time with my AIM screenname, but luckly I got that all cleared up.

It's now 2:49 in the morning, and I think I'll go back to bed.

Goodnight...