If there is one thing that I've gotten out of shooting these weddings is the fact that I DO want to be married one day. I mean, I've always figured I would get married, but now I WANT to get married. There's something about that kind of commitment that makes me feel good. That's a big reason why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling recently. Weddings really know how to fuck with my mind. Plus, on top of all that, I think I'm in love*. So when you throw it all together, you get one big mess in my head. It's like an emotion-overload. Too much at one time, and it's all cumulated this week.
The couple that we were shooting was a really great couple. They were really in love. The weird thing was... they didn't seem like a couple you would see together. The woman was this BEAUTIFUL girl, tall, tan, blonde, and a huge smile. She kind of looked like Paris Hilton a little bit, but with sweetness, not sluttiness... I think you get the picture. BUT, the thing that was weird was the guy. He was a total dork. Tall, skinny guy, glasses; the whole works. How did this guy get this girl? If you saw these two, you wouldn't believe they were a couple... until you SEE them together. They are completely in love. Despite their differences, they love each other. They are THAT couple. Seeing these two together gives me hope that I will find that kind of relationship one day.
Weddings and I seem to be a dangerous combination. I'm in such a great mood afterwards. Why is that dangerous you might ask? Well, it's because it makes me want to be in love... or at least, it makes me look for love, where there might now be love. There is this girl right now... I think I may love her, but I can't be sure of this. Are these feelings real, or are they just the result of the last couple of weeks? Could all of these weddings recently be clouding my thoughts, making me think something that's probably not true? Can someone really even be in love if it's not mutual? I've been dealing with the questions for a while now, and I can't find the answers. I think I've been in love before... but those relationships did not work out. So was I really in love? Am I really in love now, or am I just setting myself up for another heartbreak? I'm scared to say it... but I'm afraid it's heartbreak again. I HOPE it's not, but my mind keeps telling me to prepare...
The one thing about all this is that, I know THIS girl reads this blog. I know she's going to see this, but I don't know what she's going to think about all this. She's probably just going think that I'm some desperate fool, getting too attached to a girl that I barely know. She's probably right. But then I start thinking about the way things have happened, and I start thinking that maybe it was fate. Could it be fate? Could this relationship really be the one? This is what I've been dealing with for the last week. It's been on my mind, and it's not going away. Is this love? Probably not... it's just me being lonely. It still hurts though. What makes this whole situation worse is that said girl no longer lives here in Lafayette, which makes finding out whether or not that I really love her near impossible. She might come back... she might not. It's up in the air right now. If I was a betting man, I'd bet on her not coming back... but that's just the pessimist in me. I REALLY want her to come back, but I know I can't pressure her. She's already having enough trouble dealing with this without me making things worse. I keep telling her that I wish a decision like this was easy, but she and I both know it's not. This is a HARD decision. This is a life changing decision. I know that and she knows that.
This girl is an amazing woman. She is beautiful beyond imagination. She is FUN. She is goofy. She is a total dork. She has the most beautiful eyes, the most beautiful smile, and the most beautiful personality I have ever seen. There is nothing more that I want to do then hold her and tell her how much that I care about her. Just the idea of her makes me smile; I have never felt like this before. I can't believe that a girl like this would even be interested in me. What is it that I have that this girl could possibly see in me? How can I be so lucky to be part of this girl's life? There is not a single thing about this girl that I don't like. She is the kind of girl that you fight for... and I want to fight for her. There is so much that I want to do with her, so many things I want to say, so many things that we should have done (we've known each other for 9 years, what the hell is wrong with me), that I can't imagine not having her in my life. She deserves everything the world has to offer, and I want to be the one to give her everything. But the pessimist in me says otherwise, and that's where my heart it torn. Is hope enough? Can I get through this? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Only in time...
*PLEASE NOTE - I have been drinking and... well... I just got back from a wedding, so you could probably just ignore this whole post.
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