The Weather Is Nice

I'm feeling slightly better.

I have been blogging for exactly one year today. How bout that? I've kept it up. This is my 274th post. I've had over 2,500 hits.

The reason I write in this blog is that it's a good release and helps me get things out of my head and off my shoulders. Plus, it's great to do when you're bored.

Sure, I complain a lot, but doesn't everybody. Unless you are a news blog, it's all just bitching.

Btw, "House" is on. Not the TV show about the doctor, but the really bad horror movie from 1986. I forgot how much this thing sucked. William Katt is a bad actor, but George Wendt is the bomb.

Happy Endings...?

The weeks is over. The weekend is here. It's hot. I don't know what to do.

It's going to be a weekend of working and being alone.

Doctor couldn't find anything wrong with my blood, but I still have the stress-echo in two weeks, so maybe that will show something.

My head hurts. My chest hurts.

It shouldn't be this way...

That's It

I'm on empty. There is nothing else left.

:o(

That Motivation...

It's gone. With the recent events that have taken place, I now have to turn my motivation elsewhere. I'm going to start looking at some other schools, probably look for a job. Maybe I'll go back as an undergrad and finish my second degree. I don't know, there are options, I just have to figure out which one works best for me.

I still want to teach, which means I need my MFA. I need to look into some other programs. But I also think I want to work in modeling (not me of course), but that is a hard industry to get into.

But, this is still all unconfirmed. My review is on the 10th and then they aren't going to say who stays and who goes until at the end of the semester. This next month is going to be tough because I feel that if I don't get accepted, that I'm wasting this time. But I have to continue as if I'm going to pass. I can't get down about this and I have to find a way to play this out.

I Found the Cure To Growing Older

And you're the only place that feels like... home.

I'm in a much better mood today. I think it's going to be a good day, a good couple of days in fact. I feel motivated and ready do to some work. Strange, isn't it? I wonder what could make my feel so much better.

I went through a stack of papers, pulled out all of the pertinent information (i.e. things I've been meaning to take care of) and I'm going to get all this stuff done.

I don't really have class this week, just a lot of meetings. This will be a good week for me to regroup, get ready, and prepare for my review, two weeks from today. I actually have a kind of informal review tomorrow with the photo department, the ones who are actually going to decide whether or not I continue. It's going to be interesting. I do have a lot of meetings this week... damn.

Oh well, it's still better then sitting in class. At least in meetings, I can talk to people one on one. I'm much more comfortable in an interpersonal setting like that.

Here's to getting my act together!

A New Post

There's a feeling, like I need to write and get something out, but the words aren't coming. The only thing I keep thinking about is that tomorrow is Monday... already.

I'm not ready for it to be the start of the week.

9/11

If you have and hour and a half, then you NEED to see this.

Loose Change - 2nd Edition

The events of September 11th were staged by our government in order gain power, money, and control over us. Never thought about it that way, but after watching this, a lot of it makes sense. I knew there was a reason I hated George Bush.

A Low Point

I'm depressed, tired, unmotivated, sick, lonely, restless, annoyed, angry, sad, and all of the above. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not looking forward to this weekend. I feel it's only going to make things worse.

What is wrong with me? Why do I get like this?

I keep waiting for something good to happen; anything, and nothing is happening. I am going through life, slowly accomplishing nothing. I'm such a fucking pessimist. That just makes me feel worse.

I need to relax. That's harder then it sounds. For me to relax, I need to be comfortable, and that is a rarity these days. I'm so tense and the smallest things make me feel this way. I remember a saying that states something like "when you find someone or something in this world that truly makes you comfortable and happy, do everything humanly possible to keep that in your life."

It's hard to find comfort in myself.

I'm sorry. I'm sure this is that last thing people want to read; me bitching more...

And Here Comes the Weekend

I'm going to be participating in an artist workshop this weekend which is most likely going to be boring from what I hear. The artists in question is a group called Temporary Services, and from the looks of it, all they want to do is explore the city and live a day in the lives of those of us in the workshop...

Wow. I get to show some artists how boring my life is.

My choice was either to do this workshop or write a 12 page paper. I chose this for obvious reasons.

I signed up for a spot in the graduate review and I went balls-out... I signed up for the first spot. Yep, I'm going to be the first one going before the firing range. How brave of me is that?

I deserve, like a medal or something, emphasis on the something. ;o)

So It Seems

It looks like one of my posts from a couple of weeks ago is making the rounds with people at Purdue. I guess I need to start censoring what I'm saying.

Haha... that's funny.

That's the whole point of a blog is to express frustrations. Yes, it's a public blog, but at the same time, I'm going to say what I feel. If I feel like criticizing someone or something, that's my right.

Gossip moves quick and almost always gets back to the person the gossip is about. People need to be careful because these words that I write on my blog are just that; words. People say stuff all the time "under their breath" and that is what I'm doing here. It's nothing more then how I feel at that time and shouldn't be reflective of my work or who I am.

Am I going to start watching what I say? No.

Opinions and feelings change. People have bad moods. That's it.

It's In the Waiting

Big files take a long time to render. Eh, not really, but what else am I going to do right now?

I figure I have two solid years to get a great portfolio together, as in, the kind of stuff I want to do. Two years... it's not that long, but if I get off my ass, it should be enough. Once I get my MFA, I can always fall back on teaching if the photographer thing doesn't work out, at least, in the way I would like it to.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and the more that I think about, the more I know it's what I want to do. There are so many ideas just floating around in my head. I need to get into a studio and do some shooting, experimenting. Trial and error.

I need to start putting up flyers, both about models and about selling my camera. The 30D is coming out soon, and I would like to sell my 10D before is does.

There are a couple of other things on my mind. The first being this video podcast I'm working on. I didn't start with a direction, but I think I see where it's going. The problem is, it isn't anything "artistic" necessarily. It's not something Cheryl would be happy about, but I think it's the way I want to go with it.

The other thing is this idea of home and comfort. The dream I had the other night was very comfortable and it's something I want more of. It was kind of like where I would like to see things go. Whether that's going to happen isn't up to me and I'll just have to wait and see.

I can't wait until I move. This place I am in now is too small. I need room to breath. I like having a lot of space and right now, I'm crammed into a place too small for myself. It's a fine place and was great temporarily, but it's time to get out. July is too long away. Maybe I should look into subleasing the place for the summer.

What's Goin' On? This Could Be A Long Post

I need to stop working so much on this computer. I have spent about 10 hours today, sitting here, trying to figure out how the hell to render my video files for the web. It's not like I wanted to, but I have to get this stuff done for class, and it's a pain in my ass. But what makes me even more angry is I went and downloaded a conversion program and 5 minutes later, I was done.

Fuck!

Why is it always like that? The $1,000 program can't do what I want, but a free shareware program does everything I need it to? That has never made sense.

Other then that, this has been a pretty lame final day of spring break. I haven't done much at all this last week, there just hasn't been much to do. I worked on my portfolio some and I've been working behind the scenes on my website, but other then that, just a lot of sitting around.

I did keep up with my fitness training schedule, which I guess I am proud of. I'm technically done next week with the trainer and then it becomes all about me trying to stick with it. I hope I can.

My graduate review is in a little over a week. I have to say that up until this point I wasn't too worried, but now, I'm scared. I don't have the confidence that I had anymore. The way things have been going recently make me believe that this isn't the place for me. I don't know that I'm going to give them the answers they want to hear at the review. Do I speak what I really want to say or do I try and bullshit my way through it?

I had a dream the other night, and for once, it was a good dream. It was a dream where things were going in MY favor. It was kind of nice...

I guess it's not going to be as long as I thought. I had an urge to write, but it's gone now. There's a lot more I want to say, but I don't want to, not right now...

I Hate Weekends

:o(

George Bush Screws Up When Talking about the troops

This is hilarious... Must Watch...

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Song Lyric Coming Soon

You know, maybe I'm not going to write anything right now. I felt like writing, but now I've changed my mind.

Juliana Theory, The - Don't Push Love Away

I've decided that whenever I'm listening to a song when I start a blog post, I'm going to use that song as a title. Yes, I'm that bored.

I've been working behind the scenes on my website the last couple of days, changing the galleries a little bit and preparing new images to go up. It's mainly my modeling work because, well, I think that's the kind of work I want to do... as a photographer. It's really the only thing I enjoy consistently, both during and in post. Sure, I like taking pictures of anything and everything, but when I'm in the studio working with a model, I don't know, it's fun. I think over the next couple of months I'm going to try and open up my modeling/fashion portfolio a lot more, which means I need more models. I've only got a handful of models that I can work with now, so I need to start advertising.

Do you think it would be weird to make an announcement to my students?

I know Anju (the other photo instructor) does it all the time, asking for models in her work. The thing is, her work is a little more conservative then mine (and that's not to say mine is all that risky or anything). I do want to branch out and shoot a lot of different kinds of modeling, whether is be simple "head-shots" or complex setups with lots of different lights and props. I know that I need a lot of different "types" of models, but this is where is gets tricky. There are people out there who will model just to do it, whether they are actors just needing some exposure or want-to-be models. There isn't a whole lot of time in the semester, so I'm going to be hard-pressed to find a fair amount of people, and the time to shoot those people as well.

Spring break has been anything but. I haven't done much, at least of the stuff I SHOULD be doing. It seems like most of the time so far I've been working on stuff I WANT to do. That doesn't really work for my graduate review in a couple of weeks. I don't think they want to see me bring a modeling portfolio to the review. I'm sure they wouldn't ask me to continue. That's a shame...

Keep Quiet, Nothing Comes As Easy As You

I don't know what I plan on writing here, but I felt the need to write. I've got this song in my head and I can't get it out. This one line keeps repeating and repeating. It may be hard to get to bed tonight.

So I moved a bunch of couches around this afternoon and of course I got hurt. I smashed my arm into a wall and my forearm is sore now. Oh well, it happens.

I was fairly productive today, although I don't feel like it. I went to the bank, got laundry done, cleaned my apartment, ran some errands, and of course, moved two couches. Yeah, I guess I did some stuff, now if I can just keep that up for tomorrow.

There is a lot I would like to get done tomorrow, but most of it involves spending money, and I don't know if I can fit that in my budget right now, especially since I got my auto insurance bill today... damn. Most of the money I need to spend would go into my car anyway, so it's probably pretty smart to find a way to fit it into the budget. I'm sure I will. It kind of sucks that it's getting colder again so soon because I would have liked to get this work done on the car when it was warmer. I guess I'll just see what I can do tomorrow.

And now, pictures of puppies...

Everything

That's a good song by Lifehouse. And yes, I like Lifehouse...

Today was a fairly uneventful day. I did a lot of work on my music collection. I bought 10 new albums, including Fall Out Boy. I had my doubts about the band, being the next big fad and all among the youngins, but they are actually quite good. These kids have some talent. I will have to let my students know when they get back from break.

I've got just under 8,000 songs now. I actually only need like 10 more songs to put me over. I have way too much music, but my collection is something I'm proud of. I've done a lot of work to get it where it is now.

I did have a list of things that I would have liked to get done today, but that didn't happen sadly. I was going to do laundry, but I didn't have enough quarters, so that gets pushed to tomorrow. I wanted to work on my website and portfolio a little bit, but I got wrapped up in the music. I'll get around to that later in the week. I needed to clean and do dishes too, but nope, didn't happen. There's going to be a lot of catch up tomorrow.

48 Things (A Survey)

You should be proud. This is my first survey since last year. That's right, keepin' it real...

1. What is your middle name? James
   
2. What size is your bed? Queen
   
3. What are you listening to right now? The rain outside
   
4. What are the last 2 digits in your house phone number? House phone? Who has one of those anymore?
   
5. What was the last thing you ate? French bread pizza and a spinach salad
   
6. Last person you hugged? A friend
   
7. How is the weather right now? It's warm but rainy... I kind of like it...
   
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My sister
   
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their eyes
   
10. Are you Irish? No, but I look like it (and drink like it)
    
11. Do you want children? I've been thinking about it
    
12. Do you drink? Sometimes
    
13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night? Not really
    
14. Hair color? Red
    
15. Eye color? Brown
    
16. Height? 6'2"
    
17. Favorite holiday? Thanksgiving, gotta love turkey and football
    
18. Favorite season? Fall
    
19. Ever cried for no reason? Not that I can remember
    
20. Last movie you watched? The Negotiator
    
21. How many mirrors are in your room? One
    
22. Do you know any Fall Out Boy songs other than "sugar we're going down"? I know that Dance, Dance one
    
23. Do you enjoy the sensational taste of Starbucks? I hate Starbucks. It tastes like crap
    
24. Does the word "horcrux" mean anything to you? No
    
25. Do you have any friends of the gay preference? My sister is
    
26. Do you think Jesus is great? He's got a good philosophy
    
27. What books are you reading? A lot of art crap about critical thinking
    
28. Piercings? Nope
    
29. Top 5 favorite movies: That's hard. Trainspotting, Lost In Translation, Swingers, and then there would be a whole bunch more from there...
    
30. Favorite college football team? Purdue
    
31. What were you doing before filling this out? Grocery shopping
    
32. Any pets? Not with me
    
33. Dogs or Cats? Dogs
    
34. Favorite flower? Um...
    
35. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? Isn't everyone at some point?
    
36. Have you ever loved someone? Yes
    
37. Who would you like to see right now? A friend
    
38. Are you still friends with your exs? Kinda, sorta
    
39. Have you ever fired a gun? Yes
    
40. Do you like to travel by plane? Not really
    
41. Right or left-handed? Right
    
42. What are your regrets? Oh, that's a long list, mainly starting in high school
    
43. How many pillows do you sleep with? Four
    
44. Are you missing someone? Yes
    
45. Do you have a tattoo? Not yet
    
46. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday morning? No, I'm afraid to say
    
47. Are you hiding something from someone? Again, isn't everyone hiding something?
    
48. Do you play an instrument? Kinda, sorta
    

So I Changed the Name of This Post

Every Wednesday, I feel less and less like this is where I'm suppose to be. I don't understand art. Every critique in this class becomes a discussion about the "content" of the work. Who cares? I'm looking at the work and deciding how I feel about THAT, not what the artist is trying to say. Arguments go on in this class and I just want to yell out "who the fuck cares?"

Why can't the work just be out the work, why does it have to some other meaning? The girl presenting right now is being torn apart because she is trying to saying that here work is formal, and the class doesn't seem to care. They want her to change her entire idea just to please them. I hate this.

Cheryl just said that she thinks the viewer isn't going to get it... I get it, why can't she? Why can't everyone else in this class? AHHH!!!

I get so angry in this class.

"That's why it's so confusing to us."

What? I really want to walk out right now. This is how it is every week and it's mainly with the photography majors... not the fine artists. I'm starting to think that Cheryl is not the best person to be teaching this class. More and more I am seeing the difference between photography and art. The "fine artists" in the class act as though they are so much smarter. Sometimes they act like they are talking down to the photographers; i.e. me. I get it, you don't have to act like I'm stupid, I just don't think you are right.

God, I'm pissed...

All the Time, Even Right Now

Spring break is right around the corner, and I'm slowly realizing that I am going to be the only person left in this town. Almost everyone I know is going somewhere. Business trips, mission trips, drunken festivals, and me; I'm going to be sitting around, doing absolutely nothing...

That's not true, I will probably work on catching up on work. Maybe throw together a project or two to thicken my portfolio a little more before the review in a couple of weeks. I'm not too worried about it, but there is a little doubt. I don't know if I am grad school material. I think I have the potential, and I think that's what my professors are going to see. I need to work on explaining myself and my work better.

So something happened the other day which was really strange. I was checking my email the other day before leaving for class, and I got an email from an old friend. I haven't seen or spoken to this girl in about six years, and out of the blue, this. It's been a strange series of events.

There is more to this post, probably, I don't feel like writing a whole lot more right now. Maybe later.

I'm In A Good Mood Today

WTF!?

Real life simpsons intro

pretty well done!

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Baby, It's Cold Outside

Last night was a good night.

I am in a better mood then I have been in a long time. I think the combination of little stress and spending some time with old friends has lifted my spirits. It's good to relax and not worry so much about stuff. Plus I ate some GOOOOOD food. You can't go wrong with that.

Today's workload requires exercising and grading; not much else. I could probably stand to work on my video a little more, but I kind of want to wait until my new computer gets here, just to make things easier on myself. It shipped on Friday, and depending on how shitty Fed-Ex is (because they always are, just different levels of shittyness) it could be here in the next couple of days. w00t!

... okay, nevermind. I checked the tracking status, and it looks like Thursday will be the magic date. I hate Fed-Ex. They are the slowest fucking bitches in the world. Really.

It was good to see Becca again, and to still be able to hang out the way we used to. All in all the night was great, except for the part where she spilled grape juice all over my bed and wall. Nice. We talked of old times, what's been happening with us, where we are moving in life, etc. She gave me some advice and I feel better about some things. She's a pretty smart girl.

Shit. It's snowing. Fuck.

I hate snow. At least it's suppose to be near 70 this week. Ok, it's time to get this day started.

Oh yeah, one other thing... I got some sleep last night (except when I had a dream about spiders, ouch).

Tetra Vaal

Interesting video...

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Better Left Unsaid

Spring break is just one week away. Thank god. There has been so much going on and it's going to be a nice chance to distance myself from some of the stress in my life. Sometimes I want to say things that are probably better left unsaid. I'm afraid if I really said some of stuff that I've been thinking, that might be the last time I speak to some people.

Emotions have been festering and building up. I'm trying to find ways of releasing this pent-up energy, but it's hard. Exercising isn't doing much and I've been trying meditate (honestly); not working either. I thought maybe getting out and taking some pictures this weekend might be good therapy, but I don't know if that's going to happen.

I bought a new computer today, online that is. It should be here in a week or so and it's pretty sweet. I'd go into all the technical stuff, but I'm not sure that would mean much (especially since I don't even know what all of it means). Let's just say it's going to rock, thanks to Davin (at least it better rock, or there will be hell to pay).

I'm laying here, writing this post, and I'm feeling better then I have. Maybe it's because the weekend is here and for once I'm not loaded with work. There are still things I wish were different, but I guess I should give up... there are reasons. I don't want to give up.